we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In other news, I just burned my penis
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
