I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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