Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
