That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's shark week go big or go home
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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