I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
