he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
