Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
