Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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