I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
