the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
