you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Mom said you looked used
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
