planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
