I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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