Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
