I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
