tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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