He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
