remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
