guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
