it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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