This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
