It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
