Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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