alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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