She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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