this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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