Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
