dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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