yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
