I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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