yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
