my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
