he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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