I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
