You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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