i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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