Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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