For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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