she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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