Im at strip club and am horny
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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