He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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