i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
