Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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