3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
