You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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