guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
