I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
