proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
