I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
