New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
